Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Mommy Guilt

I cannot blog enough about the peace that my morning runs bring me. I know not everyone is a morning person, but I totally am. I remember as a small child waking up at 6am on every weekend day, ready to take on the whole world, regardless of what my mom thought about it. That has never changed for me. When I do sleep in, and I do on the weekend, my whole day is off, unproductive and my mood is foul... (Ask Bill, he can vouch for my need for a morning run.) This morning was no different. I woke just three minutes before my alarm, "Burn the Witch", started playing from my phone, announcing to me to get up and get in my running shoes... 

I am selfish in the mornings. I mean totally selfish. When you get married, you give that other person your time, your attention, your support, your love. When you have children you give them whatever time, attention, support and love you have left to give. And you realize that your world is no longer just your world. That you cannot go to grocery store without considering how that effects everyone else in your home. Well 5am to 7am, is my time, my time alone, my time to be selfish, my time to do my thing... So my alarm goes off at 5am, and I selfishly have it across the room forcing me to get out of bed to shut it off, thus the alarm also wakes up Bill, SELFISH DEED #1. Bill never has complained about this, ever... I then kiss Bill all over his face, paying no attention to the fact that he is sleeping soundly and has no desire to wake up at that time, SELFISH DEED #2. I then change, grab my shoes, my iPod, and hat/headband from my 'running drawer', making noise which continues to keep Bill up, SELFISH DEED #3. I then kiss Bill a few more times, he tells me to be safe, and I head out the door, I do hut it behind me, because I am not done being noisy, SELFISH DEED #4. I go out and make my coffee, stretch a little, remind myself that I need to run, that the marathon is coming, and ultimately make my way out the door. I drive to wherever I have mapped my run from and park the car... I leave my cell phone in the car. No one, no emergency at home or at work will interrupt my run, this hour is all mine, so if something  is going to happen that will need my immediate attention, I highly recomend that it wait until after 6:30-7am, SELFISH DEED #5. And then I run. I do not think about the chores at home I could be doing, I do not think about the work that I left undone the day before, I do not think about anyone, at all, but me, my run, my time, my pace, how my body feels, this is my time, SELFISH DEED #6. When I am done, I am back to the real world, back home, back to obligations, back to real life. But that selfish time, that is all mine, absolutely mine.

That whole giant rant just brings me to another point... Mommy Guilt. My oldest daughter is athletic, she is driven and she a ball of fiery energy. She has been asking if when I wake up in the morning to run, I will wake her up and let her go with me. This is where Mommy Guilt enters. I know it is important to encourage her desire to run, I know that I should include her in my morning runs, and I know that I should wake her up and take her with me... But I don't. I have a list of reasons, it's 5am, she's 7 years old and needs her sleep, its chilly out, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. But it really boils down to the fact that I need this time alone, I need that piece of mind. I am a better mom, a better wife, a better employee, a better all around person when I run and have something that is my own... But I struggle with telling her no, with such a request. I need to find time to run with her... But after running 30 miles a week, I just don't want to run more... Ugh, I need to figure this out...

My goal this week, take my baby girl for a run, and see her smiling face as she beams at me with the pride she does when she is doing something she knows I will be proud of her for... Cause she isn't going to want to run with me forever... Isn't she gorgeous?